I know, this post is late, I’m sorry. I have an excuse.
A while ago I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. Now I don’t.
This is hard to talk about, partly because it hurts but mostly because it’s just not easy to put into words. But I’m going to talk about it anyway because it might help in the long run.
Basically, I had been doubting my feelings for him and wrote a poem about it. After a week or so, last Monday, he kept asking me what was wrong, so I sent him the poem… aaaand he got all mad and told me to get away from him and “DO NOT EVEN FUCKING DARE TO TEXT ME AGAIN” and that karma would get me. I made that sound like he’s horrible, but he’s really not – he’s one of the best people I know (but maybe I didn’t know him that well after all).
I was sitting with my laptop opposite Mum when it happened (yeah, long distance relationship, never met, blah blah), so I couldn’t cry at the time. I think that might have changed me; I had to pretend everything was fine when actually I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything as painful before. That night I cried myself to sleep, but the next morning I had to pretend I was okay again so my parents wouldn’t find out, even though I still felt like shit.
Constantly having to pretend I was okay when I was not has made my feelings go weird. I didn’t cry after that first night, until Wednesday morning when I was talking to the guidance counsellor at my school about something completely unrelated and randomly burst out crying. Since then I haven’t cried about it at all. Even when I specifically think about it, I can’t cry or even feel that sad. Mostly, I’m just overwhelmingly tired.
I get hugely tired and sometimes angry; angry at him for making me feel like this, angry at myself for doing whatever it is I did – and that’s the worst part: I feel sure this is my fault, but I don’t fucking know what I did! I can’t get it out of my head that it’s my fault, but I can’t think of anything I did except be honest about my feelings.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything. And then I get really really tired all of a sudden and I can’t stop it. I still love him – this whole thing happened because I wasn’t sure if I did, but even if I’m not in love with him anymore (and to be honest I still don’t know), he was still one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I love him. And I miss him. I really miss him.
I know this post isn’t interesting, and doesn’t even really make sense, but it’s for me, not you. It’s a hard subject to write about, but it has helped me a bit. Writing poems about it also helps, even though they’re terrible, so here’s one:
So yeah, sorry I’m late, I might have a better post next week, see you then.
Anonymous Turtle is leaving the document…