So I’ve been going through a hard time lately, and I don’t really know how to explain what happened exactly, but I’m going to try because there’s a small chance that it will help others who are going through the same thing.
Basically, there was a long period of time where I stopped feeling anything. I couldn’t be happy, couldn’t be sad, couldn’t really feel anything at all, except tiredness. I was tired all the time and all I wanted to do was sleep, but sleep didn’t help. That time was not fun for me at all, and it scared me that I couldn’t feel anything – but I couldn’t even be properly scared because I wasn’t feeling things.
A lot of things changed during that time. I stopped writing, I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped being affected by books and movies. I stopped genuinely smiling and started only smiling to hide what I was feeling (or not feeling). I stopped being able to be happy about anything or anyone.
After a while I gradually began to feel emotions again, but most of the things I felt were negative. Sadness, loneliness, fear, isolation – only some of the feelings I was affected by – far overpowered the occasional moments of halfhearted happiness or amusement I would have when my friends hugged me or made jokes. I often felt like crying for absolutely no reason, and since I normally cry a lot about things anyway, I felt like either crying or sleeping pretty much all the time.
I can’t say exactly when or why I stopped feeling like this. I think, in a way, I still don’t quite feel like I normally do, but I’m mostly able to enjoy good things in life again. This is mostly due to my friends, who would listen to me and try to understand, and would let me hug them for a ridiculously long amount of time. I was also helped by the Storm and Silence series of books by Robert Thier – they always manage to make me laugh and shake my head amusedly at the characters even when I’m not feeling like myself at all (you should read them, they’re the best books ever!).
It does help to talk about it. If I’m feeling negative things (or if I’m feeling nothing), it always helps to talk about it with one of my close friends. They can’t always give advice (although when they do it’s always good), but I find that just having someone listen really helps. I didn’t want to talk to people at first, and I figured there was no point, because surely if I can’t understand what I’m feeling, then no-one else will. But that isn’t true – there will be people out there who are experiencing the same thing – and even if you think your friends/family/whoever won’t understand, you should tell them that you don’t understand how you’re feeling. It will, most likely, help.
Another thing that helped me is something my form teacher said. We were doing an activity where we had to put positive spins on some negative statements – for example, “I hate this class” became “I hate this class, so if I work harder then it will seem like it is over sooner.” My form teacher said something like “And here’s something that I find works well – if I’m thinking negative thoughts about something (especially myself), I always think ‘But I’m here now. I’ve got to where I am now despite all the things that have happened to me.'” When he said that, it really affected me and made me think.
I do think it’s very important to remember that no matter what you have gone through, no matter what you are still going through, you are here. You have managed to get to this place, this moment in time, despite everything – and despite everything, you can keep going.
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