I do not like how I look. I do not like my face, I do not like my body, I do not how clothes look on me. I also do not like how I sound. I often compare myself to other people who I consider to be “pretty” – even though I am constantly telling myself that I am pretty in my own way, that “pretty” doesn’t really mean anything anyway – I still can’t convince myself that that’s true.
I also have been having trouble with the difference between me online and me in real life. The friends I have met via social media have commented on how different I am in real life than I am in texts, and I am often able to be a lot more open and honest on my blog and in messages than if I am actually talking to someone face to face. I recently realised that I like the online me a lot more than the real me, and I don’t want that. The online me actually feels more genuine, so at least I’m not creating a fake persona for myself, but it sometimes feels like I am doing that in real life. I’ve been trying to think of ways to be more like the online me and generally be more happy with the way I am.
I recently had the idea of recording myself once a week or so, talking about stuff in front of a camera. It would be a sort of “vlog”, I guess – although I had to look up what that word meant… Anyway, I do want to do that – I feel like it would be the first step towards being okay with my voice and body, and towards combining my online self with my real life self – but I want it to be private. I don’t want anyone to see it except me, but I don’t know how best to go about that.
I can’t film a vlog at home, because my family are always home when I am and will hear me talking. I can’t film it at school, because there is not a single place there where I can be truly alone and out of hearing range of everyone else. I briefly debated asking a school counsellor if I could use her office to film it, but I don’t want her hearing it either, and it wouldn’t be fair to use up her time like that anyway.
I don’t know what to do, guys! This is something that I really want to do and I think it would be beneficial to me – and it might even stop my friends being so embarrassed by me – but I can’t think of a way I could do it. If you have any ideas, please tell me!
And remember, if you are going through a tough time right now, it will not last forever. You will get through it – you can keep going!
Have a great week 🙂
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