Talking to myself

I miss him.

No, you don’t get to miss him.

But I saw him today when I was on the bus with M and he looked so happy and I miss him…

He’s happy because you’re not in his life anymore. You read what he sent you. Every single word of that was true.

I know it was. He said he never saw us as being friends in the first place and that hurt.

No. You don’t get to be hurt by that. You do not have the right to say that it hurts for him not to consider you a friend when you never treated him like one anyway. You made him feel like shit.

I know I did but I didn’t mean to, I always thought of him as a friend!

But you never treated him as one, did you? Friends are not emotional dumps! Nor are they counsellors and you would do well to remember that.

I know, I know. And I’m trying, I really am. But I don’t know where the line is — am I not supposed to talk about my problems at all?

don’t know, you have to figure that out yourself.

But what if I mess it up with everyone else as well?

Then you deserve it.

I know.

I wish he knew how much more it hurt me to realise how I’d made him feel than it did when he left in the first place.

It wouldn’t make a difference. In fact, it might even make him feel worse. It probably would.

Yeah, I don’t want that.

Will he ever forgive me?

No. Will you ever forgive yourself?

No. But maybe one day I’ll be able to live with it?

I just feel so bad ’cause I’m worried that it’ll get in the way of other friendships. Like, I’m purposely not talking about it with my friends in case they have to pick sides or something.

They would all pick his side anyway, it’s obviously all your fault.

I know it is. I hate myself for that.

Do you know, I think he was the first person I was ever properly in love with. That’s terrible, isn’t it? I probably wasn’t even in love with my ex-boyfriend, but I was in love with one of my best friends that apparently never even considered me a friend and who I treated like dirt.

Maybe you just don’t know what love is.

Maybe, yeah.

I remember that whole conversation when he pestered me about who my crush was. That group chat with M and him and me called “Tell ussssss *sad puppy dog eyes*”.

You even remember the name of the chat?

Yes, I do. And I kept leaving it ’cause I didn’t want to say who it was ’cause I was worried it would ruin our friendship.

You didn’t have to worry about that ’cause you were never friends in the first place.

I thought we were!

I know you thought you were friends, but he said himself he was just supporting you and you treated him like dirt anyway.

I know what he said!

I was so scared when I read that.

Why?

I was so worried that I was treating everyone else the same way and that I would end up with no friends —

— Which, frankly, you deserve —

— So now I just talk about happy things. It’s all fun and breezy now which is good because I might not hurt people now but I have no one to talk to about how I feel.

Well, go talk to a counsellor then.

But you know they don’t work for me! I have to explain everything and they don’t get it and Counsellor K says “yeah” way too much and it annoys me and Counsellor H does art therapy which is not my thing at all and Counsellor S is pretty nice but still doesn’t help because counsellors don’t help me!

Then write on your blog.

But then I also have to explain everything.

No you don’t, it’s your blog, you can write whatever the hell you want.

Okay, but what if someone I know sees it?

You weren’t worried about that before, why now?

…Because I’m embarrassed.

Why?

I’m ashamed of how broken I am. I’m ashamed of how I treat people, I’m ashamed of how I treat myself.

If you’re so ashamed of how you treat people, then just f***ing treat them better!

I’m trying!! I am! But it’s hard when I never even knew I was doing anything wrong in the first place.

Yes you did, he blocked you and stopped talking to you, you should have taken the massive hint there.

I know, but I missed having him as a friend.

He was never your friend.

Shut up!!! I know he wasn’t, I know I treated him terribly, I know, I know, I know!!!

I will regret what I did and how I acted forever, so stop reminding me of it, okay??

It’s my job to make you think about things you don’t want to think about.

I know it is.

I’m trying, okay? I’m trying to get better.

Well, try harder, ’cause it’s not working very well.

But what do I do?? How do I become a good friend? Scratch that, how do I become a friend at all?

You know what you can start with?

No, what?

Going to sleep. You’re always more emotional when you’re tired, and if you have more control over your emotions, you’re less likely to say and do things you’ll regret.

Good point, I do things I regret all the time when I’m tired. That’s why I don’t text people late at night anymore.

Exactly. Now schedule this post and go sleep.

Are you going to let me?

Of course not! But you still have to try!

Anonymous Turtle is leaving the document…

6 thoughts on “Talking to myself

  1. Hmm, I don’t know the history here, but sounds like your inner critic is pretty harsh, and you need to pull in a best friend, or imaginary unconditionally loving being, to have your back in this conversation… By this post alone, at least, you don’t seem like someone who would be a terrible friend. So maybe this guy was simply not the one for you, but not necessarily because of the way you “treated him”? I remember a buddhist teaching: “you are partly right” and/or “I am partly wrong.” (paraphrasing). In other words, in a dispute or disagreement or disaccordance, we ourselves are never entirely to blame, nor vice versa. Sending hugs ❤︎

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was a terrible friend, though. I definitely did treat him badly, like, really badly, and it’s not his fault at all. When he blocked me before, and the deep, dark hole got even deeper, I blamed it all on him. I blamed it on him because I knew it was my fault, and that caused even more problems. So no, it pretty much is all my fault. But thanks for the advice and the hugs 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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