It’s the start of a new year, and not only that, the start of a new decade! Many things have changed (or are changing) for better or for worse – and lots of people will be making New Year’s resolutions in relation to those changes.
While it may not be the most interesting to others, I would like to share some of the things that have changed for me in the past year – and there are a lot! So many things have happened, and I also have some New Year’s resolutions of my own to share 🙂
So the big thing that happened is obviously my first romantic relationship – although strangely that didn’t affect me as much as some other things – and the break-up of that relationship. I met my boyfriend online, which I got a lot of judgement about, and he lived in a far away country. I was super happy with him, although I sort of didn’t like the fact that we couldn’t hug or anything.
One day I realised my feelings for him had sort of… faded away. I kept it hidden because I thought maybe I just needed some space and I didn’t want to hurt him, however one day I did tell him. The way he responded could have been better, but I understand that he had been hurt before and I probably didn’t help that. Anyway, that ended the relationship and for a while I was very, very tired, mostly as a result of the break-up. However, I have now come to terms with the loss of his friendship and advice and have moved on.
The darkness within
Another thing that happened is that I went through quite a long period of feeling very down. It got worse and worse for quite a long time and after not very long I was completely miserable. One thing that I imagine contributed to this is friendships. I often move between friend groups, and by not spending too much time with any of them, I end up feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. Also, the way I was feeling at this point in time caused me to become even more disconnected from my friends, so it was kind of a never-ending cycle.
Anyway, the negative feelings built up over time and caused some things, the effects of which will last a very long time, possibly forever. Which leads me to my next event! (I find it hard to talk about this one because I don’t really understand it, so onto the next one we go!)
Related posts: Talking to myself
So I had this friend who we’re going to call Unicorn. I met him through some of my other friends, and I got quite close to him. He was my best friend at the time, although I knew I wasn’t his. Eventually I developed a crush on him which was kind of awkward, but after a while it was fine because he was really nice about it.
Then I started feeling down, and unintentionally dumped all my emotions on him. He became someone that I would only talk to when I was unhappy. This led to him (understandably) blocking me, because I was impacting his wellbeing negatively. However, I was in such a bad state by that time that him blocking me made me really sad and angry. I blamed him for making me feel this way because he blocked me, even though I definitely knew subconsciously that it was my fault.
After a long time, he unblocked me. For a while I was really happy, but then I started trying to talk to him again. He never carried on the conversation but I kept trying because I’m dumb, and soon enough he got annoyed and asked me why I was still messaging him. Then there was this solid block of messages saying basically that he cut me off because I wasn’t letting him be happy, but in a lot more detail. Then he blocked me again, this time probably forever.
The second block should have hurt more than the first, but it didn’t really. I understood why he was blocking me, and I understood that I deserved it. Having some sort of explanation and closure made it better, I guess? Anyway, I am now able to talk about it without getting too sad or guilty. I hope he never unblocks me, because I really do wish all the best for him and if he ever did unblock me, I’m sure I would make him feel like shit again. Anyway, that happened and I’m mostly over it now and am trying to be a better friend.
Crushes and sexuality
Related posts: Love is exciting
I have had two crushes this year, not counting my ex-boyfriend. The first was on Unicorn, which was slightly awkward because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. However, I told him eventually and it was awkward for a day or two and then it wasn’t actually too bad. Then the above events happened and I’m not entirely sure when I got over him, but it was before the second block.
The second crush I had/have is on a girl. We’ll call her M. This surprised me a bit, because I’d never had feelings towards the same gender before, and had always assumed I was straight. After extensive research on the topic of sexualities, I labelled myself as biromantic asexual. I then changed it to demiromantic bisexual, until recently I just decided to abandon labels altogether. They’re too confusing, and once you use a label you seem to be stuck with it for life. So yes I like girls, and yes I like boys, and yes my feelings are a bit weird sometimes, but I’m not going to try and make that fit with a permanent label.
Anyway, I really like M because she’s super nice and sweet and funny, and lots of other things. I’ve sort of gotten closer to her because we’re put together in seating plans a lot, which is strange but I’m not complaining! Unfortunately, I’m like 99% sure she’s straight, and even if she isn’t, she has a boyfriend. I’m trying to get over her because it’s not really good to have a crush on someone who’s already in a relationship, but I’m not having much luck yet…
New Year’s resolutions
- Start merging my online and real life personalities. I have this problem where I can only really be friends with someone in one place; online or in real life. This is mainly because my personalities are so different in these different situations. In order to become closer to all my friends, I would like to make them more similar.
- Compliment more people. Compliments can make someone’s day, and I don’t use them enough.
- Get more in control of my emotions
- Sleep more instead of staying up past midnight every day – should also help with the above idea
- Blog on time!! I often forget to write a post several weeks in a row and end up having to backdate multiple posts
- Get over my crush…
So yeah, I hope you guys all had an amazing 2019! Here’s to an even more amazing 2020 😀
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