I have to admit, I didn’t genuinely believe I would come back to this blog. But hey, here I am! Although let’s be honest, who knows how long it’ll be before I decide to go on another “break”… but one post is better than nothing I guess!
In the post where I said why I was leaving, I was not entirely honest. The main reason for that is that I don’t think I actually knew the whole reason why I decided to abandon this until quite recently. Obviously the fact that I had so many other things going on in my life (and still do) played a huge part, but it was also the numbers. Numbers, views, likes, follows, “how many people saw my latest post”, “oh no I’m behind schedule quick write something”, “what if no-one likes this poem”.
I started this blog with the full intention of writing whatever the hell I wanted and not caring how many people saw it or what they thought about it. However, I inevitably fell into the trap of feeling as though I needed other people’s approval. This led to me monitoring my statistics much more closely and caring more about how many views this post got today compared to that post yesterday, and also to me making a posting schedule. Because of my desire for views, likes, and follows, I thought a posting schedule would be a good idea as it would probably attract more people and be more likely to make them stay. However, I did not anticipate the effect this would have on my mental state.
The schedule I created was simple, one post every Wednesday – but I didn’t anticipate the schoolwork, household tasks, writer’s block, or lack of energy that would prevent me from posting so often. This led to me (occasionally at first but it soon became more regular) forgetting to post right up until Wednesday evening. I then had to either quickly write a post which was often subpar and less genuine than I would like, or I would make a post the next day but the whole first paragraph would be “sorry sorry I’m so sorry this post is late”. Weeks, even months of this took a toll on me, as I would feel guilty for posting late or hastily and would feel as though I was inadequate because I hadn’t stuck to my schedule or because I hadn’t made a “good” post.
There was one good thing that came out of my push for views and follows which is that I engaged more with the blogging community, however the cons far outweighed the pros for me – and also I would much rather read and like people’s posts because I genuinely like and want to read them rather than an unconscious reasoning that people will notice me if I notice them. Basically, because of my want for views and attention, I put unreasonable expectations on myself and was unable to see that they weren’t realistic and so couldn’t forgive myself for not meeting them. This was bad for my mental health and absolutely (although mostly unconsciously) contributed to my decision to leave this blog. However! I am back and I will endeavour to completely ignore everyone else’s opinions about what I write and return to posting random shit once in a blue moon 🙂
Feel free to unfollow me if you haven’t already lmao, otherwise I guess this will be a random collection of thoughts, rants and poems like it was originally intended to be. With no schedule!!! (Although rather ironically I am posting this on a Wednesday…) I make no promises about anything though and it is entirely possible I will disappear completely once again but like,,, I’m gonna try 😆
Anonymous Turtle is leaving the document…